But then I received an email that would change my life in ways I never imagined. My youngest sister, "Sister N" sent this:
Hi, guys.
I just had a really disturbing conversation with Mom. She told me that a couple of weeks ago she ran her truck off the road and thinks it's because of the medication she's on. Praise the Lord she wasn't hurt, but apparently the truck was. This is the second incident (I know of) where she's had an accident because she became disoriented. The first was when she fell at McDonald's and bloodied her knees and face and had a crowd of people and paramedics come to her assistance. When she told me about McDonald's, she said she thought it was because of her medicine but today she said she didn't think it was. I don't know what caused either incident, but I do know that she's currently on 5 different anti-depressants for her bipolar disorder and that if she strays from her regimen in any way, it can be disastrous. I've also been noticing a lot more forgetfulness than usual, as she often tells me that she doesn't remember saying or doing something. I've tried to be very straightforward with her and let her know that something is "broken" with her memory and that she and I need to communicate in writing (on things like visits to California) to eliminate any misunderstandings. I told her today that the side effects of her medicine are very bad and she needs to see the doctor to have them adjusted. I also let her know that I would be emailing all of you to make you aware of her situation. I think we need to see to it that she's fit to drive before she attempts to again. Who knows how the next incident will turn out.
Can we have an email conversation about this? Our schedules don't allow for a conference call, but we need to be discussing this with each other. And Mom needs to know what we're saying and/or noticing about her, if anything. Can one of you in Maryland get her to the doctor? What can I do to help?
I LOVE YOU ALL,
N.
My oldest sister, "Sister M" replied:
The truck incident and the McDonald's incident took place on the same day, which was more like three weeks ago. That morning she had been behind me when I was driving to work and she was driving in the wrong lane. I rolled my window down to indicate to her to get back in the right lane and she did, but then veered off the road on the other side, half in and half out of the lane. She pulled back into the roadway shortly before hitting a telephone pole. I pulled my car over at the intersection of Bowie and Baptist Church, got out of the car, and ordered her to pull over. I asked her what in the world she thought she was doing and told her that she had NO BUSINESS driving if she was having trouble keeping in her own lane. FYI, I have been behind her on a number of occasions and she's always weaving, but never this badly! In fact, I won't let my kids ride with her anymore. Anyway, I told her she needed to go home. She told me she had an appointment to get the cap on the truck. I told her to go another day or let Grandma drive (she was in the truck at this time). She just looked at me like I was crazy. I yelled at her "GO HOME!" She continued to stare at me. I told her if she wanted to kill herself driving, that was one thing, but I was not going to let her kill Grandma so I told Grandma to get out of the truck. I then told mom if she didn't go home, I was calling the police. She looked me right in the eye, put the truck in reverse and went around me, driving on down the road! I took Grandma home and she told me that when she tried to tell mom to get back in the right lane, mom's response was "Don't tell me how to drive!" She didn't even tell me she had wrecked the truck that day. She knew I would be furious at her because I told her to go home and she refused. I only found out because she and Grandma had come to the house and she mentioned that she found out from the insurance agent that she didn't have collision on her Hyundai. Of course I got to thinking and asked her what made her call the insurance agent in the first place. She and Grandma looked at each other and neither said anything at first and then she said, "I had an accident in the truck." She told me that she went off the road and into the bushes. I told her then and there that I thought she was no longer fit to drive a car and told Grandma that I didn't want her riding with her anymore. Grandma said that mom got some medicine from the doctor to help her with her dizziness, and she hasn't had any problems with that since. Don't know if I believe that though. Mom and Grandma are acting like her dizzy spells, disorientation, and forgetfulness are something new. I'm here to tell you they are not. She has been complaining of these symptoms for at least a couple of years now. Her forgetfulness has been for just as long, which is why I've come to the conclusion that, when Grandma passes, Mom will have to go into assisted living. She cannot take care of herself and I don't believe any of us (except for maybe Stephanie) are in a position to take care of her full time. I'm thinking of talking to her doctor to get her admitted to a hospital (Calvert has a very good psych ward), detoxed, and start from scratch. I've had her with several different doctors on all different combinations of medication for 10 years now and no one can seem to get it right!
Love, M.
I'm the middle of the five siblings. I responded with:
Mom told me about this incident shortly after it happened. I have to say she totally minimized what happened, as well as the damages to the truck. I'm sorry I didn't follow up like N did, but it really didn't sound like it was that serious.
She didn't mention the McDonald's incident at all. :( Many (All?) of you know that the only reason I would ever move back to Maryland would be to take care of our parents. Now that Dad is gone, if Mom needs help, the offer still stands. Husband G and I discussed this several months ago and even mentioned it to Mom when she visited us in March. She "joked" (although I think she was really serious but didn't want me to know) that she "needed someone to take care of her, especially if anything happens to Grandma." I told her I would be more than happy to be that person, and she said, "I thought you said you would never move back to MD?" I reminded her that the only reason I would move back is if she needed to be taken care of. I suggested we could live in the basement after [my nephew B] got his house built and moved out, and she agreed that would be a good idea. Over the last several weeks, Husband G and I have toyed with the idea of selling the house, downsizing, and moving, simply because "we can." What better reason to move back to Maryland than to make sure Mom is taken care of? I can apply for a job at nearby stores and I reactivated Husband G's resume for the DMV area. Much to my chagrin, when I read these emails to Husband G tonight, he "suddenly" doesn't want to move to MD, blaming the "job situation." But his current job isn't any better, especially since his hours have been DRASTICALLY cut recently, with no relief in sight. He's worried about the cost of living, but I think if we rent out Mom's basement, we should be okay. He can also do all the yardwork, home repairs, car maintenance, etc. I can take care of cooking, housecleaning, chauffeuring, personal trainer (LOL), etc. Would [Brother C, Brother M, Brother-in-Law J, our Nephews B or R] be able to put in a good word for Husband G at their jobs? He can do LOTS of different stuff and has lots of work experience, not just truck driving. I have to say I was very concerned with the amount of medication she's on, as well as how much she packed when she came out here. Later, when she was "up," even SHE was shocked (and embarrassed) at what/how much she packed, so it doesn't sound like her mental health is going to improve any time soon. I don't think she realizes how bad off she is, or she's at least not willing to admit it. Please, let me know what I can do to help. I don't know if I'm overreacting, or if we'd need to move in 6 weeks, 6 months, or 6 years, but whatever it takes, we're ready! Or even if Husband G can stay here and I just come out for a "prolonged visit," say, the next time she's "down" so that we get a feel for what she needs, we can do that, too. Whatever the case, it's going to take a lot of communication and prayer, so let's get started. Love you guys! Stephanie
My younger brother, "Brother M" responded:
I only learned about both incidents last week. I am also concerned about Mom driving and she told me that she had received another medication to help her with her dizziness. I also remember that someone said she fell down in the parking lot at the Green Turtle. I remember that she couldn’t even ride the three wheel bike we got her for Christmas so this must be a long term issue with her meds. I know that taking care of Mom is a full time job and one that I would not be able to handle at this time in my life. It is sad but true and I know that [Sister M] has done as much as she can do to the point of frustration. We have talked about taking Mom to a better hospital, maybe in DC. I am willing to take turns with transportation to and from the doctors whenever I can. I thought that she also needed to see a therapist and that hasn’t happened on a regular basis either. I guess the questions really should be: How do we get her to take her medication on a REGULAR basis and how do we get her to therapy on a REGULAR basis? [Brother C] was talking to me last hunting season and said he would be interested in moving into the house with Mom to take care of her. I’m not sure if that offer still stands or if everyone would agree to it (namely, Brother C's wife MA). If anyone is willing to move in to help Mom I am fully supportive and will help in any way I can. I think [Brother C] should have a serious talk with [his son B] about helping out more. I know he works all the time but so do all of us. He knows what he needs to do around there. I don’t think it is out of line to ask him to cut the grass and take the trash to the dump on a regular basis. I think I am way out of the loop on everything. When Mom is down I don’t hear from her and she doesn’t answer the phone when I call, just like everyone else I am sure. When she is up she calls me with a list of items to take care of and then she flies away to visit. By the time she gets back, she is down again. I don’t have any problem helping out with my list of items and I am going to try and do more to help.
Love you guys, M
My older brother, "Brother C" responded:
Ok, I guess it's time to put my two cents worth in. I think first and foremost we should get mom help with her meds first, if that means putting her in some kind of detox home/facility we should do that first before someone uproots their life to move in to take care of her. She really upset me too when I heard she wrecked the truck because I specifically told her not to drive it until I fixed the brakes! I even had a talk with her when we went to get a new master cylinder for it, I told her I was gonna take all her keys away from her, she didn't try to fight me on it so guess she knows she has a problem. The talk that [Brother M] and.I had about moving into the house at that time wasn't guided on having to take care of.mom because of her condition but more of a financial thing. We both thought that I would be the best sib to move in because I could afford the bills and do all needed upkeep and take care of mom when she was "down." Let me know what you all think of my ideas and maybe we should do some kind of conference call to further discuss this .
Luv Y'all! Your loving brother C :)
Through many more emails and phone calls over the next couple weeks, my siblings and I decided that Mom needed a full-time, live-in caregiver, and that I was in the best position out of all of us to do it. My oldest son lived on his own and my other two children were living with their father and step-mother, so technically, I was an empty-nester, whereas my siblings still had young children at home (Brother C's kids were grown). My Husband G and I quit our jobs, packed our possessions, loaded up our dogs (I was not allowed to bring my cat), and traveled 1700 miles to the East Coast to become Mom's caregivers, arriving August 2, 2012, less than 6 weeks after the initial email. I didn't have enough time to sell my house, as my Sister M said it was "urgent" I move ASAP. Thankfully, my oldest Son M and his girlfriend T, who lived three doors down, were willing to move in so that I didn't have to sell it. That way, when my job with Mom was done (we figured two years max), I would have my house to move back into and life would return to normal.
That was four years ago. I'm still Mom's caregiver. My husband and I separated last year for the third and final time. I thought I'd be back in Colorado by now. I'm not. I am desperate to have my life back, but it's looking like that won't happen anytime soon. So I decided to start this blog to share my experience with others, to share the nitty gritty of being the caregiver of a family member who has bipolar disorder and (now) advanced dementia (according to www.alz.org, Mom is in the late stages of her dementia, although she's not "officially" diagnosed with Alzheimer's). I will try to reconstruct my story as best I can from memory, emails, and journal entries over the years to share what I've learned, and hopefully get the word out that being a caregiver is a stressful, sometimes thankless job. Ann Brenoff, in her article on Huffington Post, says, "No, Caregiving is NOT Rewarding. It Simply Sucks."
More times than not, I would have to agree.
