Micro Managing Must Stop!

Journal entry dated 9/7/2012

As part of our moving to MD to take care of Mom and her attempts to make us feel welcome, she said I could clear out Dad's hunting storage room in the basement to use as an art studio.  Woo hoo!  Brothers C. & M., Brother-in-Law J.,  and Nephew B. already took what they wanted of Dad's hunting stuff and tools when he died, and the room wasn't serving a purpose, so why not use it as a studio?  Mom said, "Just clean it out and do what you want with it." 

I had mentioned what I was going to do to Nephew B. (he and his pregnant girlfriend S. live in the basement and he's having his house built next door), and he had no reaction, nothing to say ... nothing.  The next day, I was just about done clearing it out when B. got home and he looked around, saying, "Geez, what's the big rush?"  Umm, rush?  We've already lived here a month and I'm going crazy not being able to paint or draw!  I said, "Mom said I could use this as my studio--I told you yesterday what I was going to do and you didn't object.  I moved everything under the stairs but Brother C. (his father) told me not to touch the ammo, so I left it alone."  B. turned and walked out.  I didn't think anything of it.  Besides, I was excited to have a space to myself where I could store all my art supplies.  

When his girlfriend S. came home, she went straight to their bedroom and slammed the door.  I was putting some paint cans away on the workshop wall and walked back to the studio when she came out and looked straight at me but said nothing.  So I said cheerfully, "Hello!  How are you?"  "Oh, okay," she mumbled.  Was that a hint of snarkiness I detected?  Hmm, must be the baby hormones, I thought, or else she and B got into a fight--which Sister M. says they do a LOT.  In fact, M. doesn't think they should even get married, IF they ever are, that is!  As S. walked into their living room where B. was watching TV (the room is closed off by two separate doors), she said, "She's already got that room cleaned out!"  She sounded mad, but I didn't understand why, or what the big deal was.  It wasn't their room, it's shut off from the rest of the basement, and Mom told me I could.  Was I not supposed to?

Mom says it's bad enough that they commandeered the spare bedroom and are using it for their storage (That's not included in his rent! Mom said.  In fact, B. didn't even ask Mom if his girlfriend could move in in the first place.  Same thing happened with his previous girlfriend.  And he wasn't even giving Mom extra rent money to cover the increase in utilities, not to mention using the spare bedroom and a large portion of the workshop to store their stuff).  When Mom got home from fridge shopping, I asked her if I wasn't supposed to clear out the room because B. was having a tantrum.  I brought her downstairs to show her the new studio and she was shocked (in a good way) at how different it looked.  She said, "B. is NOT the boss!  It's MY house, and MY room!  I make the rules and if he doesn't like it, tough $#!+!"  

Oh my goodness!  That's the first time I have ever heard Mom cuss!  I tried to shush her since they were in the next room, but she said, "I don't care if they hear me!  It's MY HOUSE, not theirs!  I told you you could use this room!  I make the rules, not them!  Sorry, but I cuss when I get mad, like now.  I'm just sick of people telling me what to do!"  I asked, "Does B. expect me to wait until he gets his house built and they move out before I can start painting?  We're cooped up in that tiny guest room and there's not enough room for my art supplies, so I need to be able to spread out."  Mom said, "No, you don't need to paint in your bedroom.  And B is crazy if he thinks you should wait.  It's not his house, and it's not his storage unit!"  I took that as permission to carry on, so I did.

Later that evening, I got a text from Sister M.:  Please refrain from doing any clean-out or build-out or whatever until B&S move out.  Between the flood (from the new fridge being installed, the leaking water line got their kitchen wet) and the hunting room, they're very upset.

Me:  Sorry, Mom said I could use the room as my art studio and I didn't know I needed their permission.  All I did was move the hunting room stuff to the space under the stairs.  I told B. about cleaning out the hunting room and he never said anything, so I had no idea that it was an issue.  Brother C. told me not to move Dad's ammunition, so I left all that alone.

Sister M.:  You didn't need their permission, it's just that they already have privacy issues with Mom and Grandma rolling down there whenever they feel like it.  It just probably could've waited until they moved out.  S. is stressing out and they feel like they are being forced out.

Me:  Well, G&I are stressing out too!  We went from 1500+ sf to 150 sf.  I have no place to do my art, especially when it's raining or hot and buggy outside.  I need to make some money since G hasn't found a job yet.  Mom is trying to do her best to make us feel at home.  I don't think it's realistic to expect us to wait 4-6 months before using available space, especially when no one is using it.  I am respecting their space, knocking before I enter, and I even offered to help clean up the flood mess but S. said she took care of it.  I don't understand why they can't come talk to me or G directly instead of dragging you into this anyway.

Sister M:  Because Mom freaks out on B. every time he tries to talk to her about this stuff.  He doesn't feel comfortable talking to her.  The last time they "talked," she said some very mean and hurtful things to him, so I don't blame him.  As we've discussed, she's mean when she's "up."  It's more S. who has issues (baby hormones, no doubt) and B. is trying to chill her out.  I'm just trying to keep the boat from rocking too much!

Me:  I hear ya!  But is he scared to talk to ME? or G?  And yes, Mom CAN be mean when she's up.  She just informed us that we will be paying rent after we move into the basement, and that I don't have to "tote" her everywhere--Grandma can drive her.  I think we all need to have a sit-down family chat to clear up some details.

Sister M.:  I think B. was afraid you'd react like Mom does.  I told him I was sure you would honor any privacy requests.  Yes, we should have a family chat, especially since I made it very clear to her that you would NOT be paying rent!  How did her dr's appointment go?

Me:  Absolutely I would respect privacy!  I'm the LAST person he needs to be afraid of!  Mom didn't appreciate that we decided all this about her care and me and G moving in without consulting her.  And I didn't get to ask Dr. L. all my questions because she jumped in and defended herself about everything.  He acted rushed and we already had to wait 2 hours.  He wants her to get an MRI to make sure she hasn't had any "tiny strokes" that are causing the dizziness.

Sister M.:  Okay, thanks. Keep me posted.

Mom was livid that Sister M. was dragged into our discussion about the hunting-room-come-studio issue, but she told me that I could continue renovating.  She said, "It's none of her business what goes on over here!"  Which is true, but we all know that Sister M. has to be in control.  She is the Micro Managing Queen--over her life, her husband's life, her kids' lives, EVERYONE's lives!  Even if it doesn't concern her!  And if you do something against her wishes, she holds a grudge against you and doesn't speak to you for months, or even years!  

Sister M.'s attempts to control my life is part of the reason why I moved to Colorado in 1996--she kept wanting to make decisions for me, decisions that didn't concern her, and when I didn't comply, she'd have a fit, then badmouth me to the rest of the family! She's not happy unless she's micro-managing everyone's lives!  But these are decisions that don't concern her!  I don't understand why B. had to drag her into this anyway!  Why is a grown man a tattle tail?  And Mom "hurt his feelings"?  Boo hoo hoo!  He needs to grow some!  I've had enough of her trying to control my life, and Mom's house, and what goes on inside it doesn't concern her, so why drag her into it?  

I can tell you one thing, if I'm going to be Mom's caregiver, I can't have Sister M. hanging over my shoulder, trying to tell me what I can and can't do.  If this was a team effort and she was helping me on a regular basis, that would be a different story.  If she wanted to maintain all this control, why didn't SHE offer to be Mom's caregiver?  She's tried to control me ever since I was in high school, and I'm 45 now!  This micro managing must stop!