The Ugly Side of Bipolar Disorder

Journal Entry dated September 7, 2012

Mom's official diagnosis is "Bipolar Disorder - Mixed State," and I'm still trying to get the hang of it.  The way Dr. L. has me change Mom's doses depending on what phase she's in (manic or depressive) is confusing.  How is anything supposed to stabilize if I'm constantly changing her medication?  Oh well, I guess he knows what he's doing--he's the doctor, after all.  We had to wait two hours to see him on 9/5, and then he acted like he was rushed so I felt like I couldn't ask him everything.  Why does he insist on overbooking himself so much!  Whenever I asked him a question, Mom would become defensive and try to answer, not even giving him a chance to answer me.  I told him she's rebellious and mean--I don't like talking about her like that right in front of her, but she needs to know so that she can learn to chill out.  

I brought up the subject of admitting Mom to the hospital for a "de-tox" because my siblings asked me to check into it.  He said we can't just stop her meds cold turkey.  Why not?  She'd be in a hospital where they could monitor her behavior.  It just seems like she's on way too many prescriptions.  He attributed Mom's lack of success to her being inconsistent with taking her meds, but now that I'm here, we should have a better success rate. She was in a "hyper-manic" state during the appointment, so he said to increase her Klonopin to 3 tablets to help calm her down.  

I didn't get to ask all my questions, but I did get enough of them answered.  Because Dr. L. is a general practitioner, I feel like I need to find a psychiatrist for Mom to supervise her psychotropic meds.  Sister M. said that she has tried bringing Mom to several different psychiatrists, but Mom hasn't liked any of them, so she gave up.  Nice.

Mom is still spending money like crazy--apparently a classic symptom of BPD!  She and Grandma went to Sears yesterday (they didn't want me to go--probably because she didn't want me telling her how to spend her money!) to get a different refrigerator (the new one was delivered last week but it doesn't have a deli drawer, so Mom wants to exchange it).  They were gone for HOURS!  When they got back, they had been to Family Christian Bookstore, Kohl's, and the Dollar Store.  I couldn't believe all the JUNK she bought!  Bags and bags of "Christmas presents":  DVDs, coffee mugs, books, CDs, etc., that she'll forget about before Christmas even arrives!  Then lots of toys for Sister N's kids that they probably won't use (I think Mom has forgotten their ages because she bought "infant" toys, not toddler and older toys).  She bought $200-worth of clothes for B&S's baby--she never spent that much money on her own kids or grandkids before!  But I guess this is her first great-grandchild, so it's okay if she splurges?  Besides, it's her money, she's going to spend it on whatever she wants!  
  
Sister M. warned me of Mom's shopping sprees.  She said she would just let her buy what she wanted, then she'd sneak into the house and remove all the new stuff (usually still in bags with the receipts) and return it to the stores and Mom was none-the-wiser because she had forgotten what she bought!  On previous shopping trips, any time I tried to tell Mom that she didn't need something, she'd say, "Don't tell me what to spend my money on!", or "Don't tell me what to do!",  or "It's MY money!", or "You're not my mother!", or "I know I don't NEED it, I WANT it!" and buy it anyway.  But Sister M. was right--Mom would soon forget about her purchases, so I would gather them in the bags along with the receipts and take them back to the store and have her credit card refunded. 

Last week we went to CostCo, and every time she saw something she liked, she just threw it in the cart.  I saw a winter coat that I really liked and she offered to buy it as a Christmas present, but I told her No.  She overloaded her cart so much that she didn't have enough cash to pay for everything, so I ended up using my debit card to cover her purchases.  She acts like she has all kinds of money, but she doesn't!  And her $7K in property taxes is due.  Mom said, "I don't know where the money is gonna come from, but I'm sure Sister M. has all that covered since she handles my bills!"  (Mom couldn't handle paying her bills anymore so Sister M. took over after Dad died in 2007.)

Another thing is, I've noticed Mom repeats herself a lot.  She'll tell you a story she just told you a day or two ago.  When I give her her medication, she asks why she only has one green and one white pill--how can she notice the change in her medicine but can't remember that she told you the same story a couple days ago?  Or forgets about all the junk she just bought?

Mom is also designating who gets what when she dies.  Someone told Grandma to start putting her kids' names on the stuff she wants them to get when she dies, so now Mom is doing that with her jewelry.  She said, "You'd be surprised how everyone will fight over your stuff after you're gone.  This way, if I put names on everything, no one can fight over it."  I can only imagine the hundreds of dollars she has spent on all her costume jewelry.  Her diamond tennis bracelets alone are worth more than $10K!  

Shortly after Dad died, Mom came out to visit me in Colorado (this was before G and I married).  I had given her a pair of my aquamarine earrings because she liked the color so much, only to find out that she didn't wear them anymore so she gave them back to me, along with an aqua glass bracelet I bought her while she was there.  She had a beautiful aquamarine bracelet that I fawned over, saying it was a perfect match to my earrings and necklace, so she told me to take it.  I resisted, saying, "I can't accept that!  Sister M. would have a fit!"  "It's MY jewelry and I'll give it to who I want!"  She also gave me two rings and another bracelet, so I gratefully accepted them and thanked her profusely.  

She's been talking about getting rid of her other possessions too.  "I can't leave all this mess for my kids to deal with when I die!"  Her attic is full of Rubbermaid bins, crammed with clothes and shoes she no longer wears--many aren't even her size! What was she thinking?  Probably that it was too good a sale to pass up!  Ha! Ha!  There are boxes and boxes of Christmas, Valentines, Halloween, and Thanksgiving decorations, etc., that have never been used.  It's crazy how much junk is in the attic and in the basement workshop. Again, all signs of BPD. 

She talks about dying a lot.  Not in the sense that she's suicidal, but that she wants to "have her affairs in order" before she goes.  Her Last Will & Testament and Living Will are already drawn up, so that's good.  She has also pre-paid for her funeral at the same funeral home that handled Dad's.  Last night, Mom was telling Husband G. that each of her kids gets "3 free acres" of her property to do what they want with it.  Sister M. and her Husband J. got just under 4 acres and built their house on it next door to Mom.  G was excited--I was not!  There was no way I could live next door to Sister M.!  Brother M. has said before, "You couldn't PAY me to live next door to Sister M.!"  Mom explained, "You didn't know about your free 3 acres because you've been living in Colorado, but all my kids get 3 free acres.  But not the grandkids--if they want any land, they have to buy it!  But I'll give them a good deal!  Like Grandson B's property--he got a really good deal on his!  Your father wanted to charge him more, but I convinced him to charge less."  

G. is entertaining the idea of staying in MD even after Mom passes, but there's no way I'm not returning to my beloved Colorado!  G. said, "But what if we can find really good jobs here and don't want to move back to CO?"  Nope, I can't imagine!  I can't stand the heat and humidity of the east coast, the DMV traffic, the bugs, no thanks!  Mom interrupted, "Actually, I think you and G. should get THIS house!" I scoffed, "Yeah, Mom, that will really go over well with my siblings!"  She said, "Well why not?  The house and property are paid off, you just have to pay property taxes.  Besides, your father wants the house to stay in the family, so why can't I gift it to you?"  I argued, "No, Mom, my siblings would never approve, nor could we afford it."  She said, "I don't see why they wouldn't!  We'll have to figure out a way to make it happen!"  

It's stuff like this that concerns me about Mom.  Sister M. guessed she only had about "two years left," but I don't see her leaving that soon.  However, people sometimes "know" when they're about to die, so they start getting rid of all their stuff, and if that's any indication in Mom's case, I'd say Sister M. might be on to something (that she'll be gone in two years).  

I mention all this as examples of Mom's behavior--how volatile she can get, how complacent, etc.  Not because I'm "tattling" on her, but to give whomever reads this journal a better idea of the big picture--all the dynamics involved with Mom's care.  

She's scared.  She doesn't like being "sick."  She abhors being told what to do, and lashes out as her way to maintain her independence.  She believes that we kids are "ganging up on her," even though I've explained numerous times that ALL of us have her safety and well being as our number one priority.  She keeps saying, "I know," but I don't really think she does.